Exploring SELFships: Why Your Relationship with Yourself Should Always Be a Priority
Four years ago, I was burnt out; balancing a full-time job, a social life, family, dating, and starting a side hustle is essentially the definition of burning the candle at both ends. I barely had time to dedicate to my relationships, let alone my beauty routine, which is when I decided to start taking myself out for solo dates. Once a week, for about a year, I picked an activity that would provide me with the energy I needed. If I was feeling low energy I would attend a comedy show or a concert whereas high or anxious energy would equate to taking a walk or having dinner by myself with a book.
Once I began my evening, I would put my phone away and be in the moment with myself. I would then blog about my experience the following day as a way to reflect on my feelings and get in touch with my innermost thoughts.
The purpose of this was to ensure I was making time for myself in an intimate way, not that Netflixing while texting all my friends and drinking a bottle of wine time wasn’t self care. While that kind of solo time was also needed on a weekly basis, it left me thinking that I had just used an hour or two to distract myself from everything going on in my mind rather than sitting with my thoughts and actually working through them.
Once the pandemic hit, I found myself in a new kind of burn out. I was burnt out from trying to find my new passion in life as I was furloughed from my job, had moved back home with my parents, and my ex had broken up with me over the phone (modern dating these days am I right?). I felt hopeless and disconnected from the person I once was, for the person that had put her phone away every week to indulge in ‘me time’ began to scroll aimlessly on a daily basis for sometimes 6+ hours.
I began to date again, however I was getting ghosted left and right or ending up on dates that I simply did not want to be on. I thought dating would help me fill this void of loneliness and uncertainty, when in actuality it was holding me back from my own happiness. Soon after I moved into my first studio apartment, I decided to delete the dating apps and go cold turkey (from dating that is).
Once I was comfortably settled in, I sought out a therapist who specializes in CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, where you talk as well as work through your negative distortions in order to create a positive inner world. I had spent a year of the pandemic waiting for things to get back to normal, but by holding onto the past, I was not allowing myself to move forward into the person I was meant to become.
A SELFship is a term I adapted from a post I saw on social media that resonated with me. It’s the idea of being in a relationship with yourself and choosing yourself day in and day out.
It’s being there for yourself through the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s prioritizing your happiness and seeking your joy everyday. It’s not judging yourself for negative feelings and being comfortable expressing them to yourself and others.
With solo dates still out of the picture as the pandemic, once again, began to rip through NYC with a vengeance, I turned inward, literally and metaphorically, to what I had around me. I realized that I didn’t need external experiences to connect to myself, I had a creative toolbox inside my own apartment, my own safe haven where I could dance, laugh, sing, cry, scream, jump, and create all within four walls.
What I’ve learned about my SELFship is that no day is the same. Sometimes I get into a routine such as journaling every morning and one day, months later, that no longer serves me. My SELFship is about listening to what my body needs in the moment rather than forcing myself to do ‘self care’ because meditation is what the wellness industry tells us will increase our mental health. A SELFship is about sitting in the uncomfy and truly letting the feelings unfurl from within me, strewn across my studio apartment floor as I begin to pick up the pieces to reform myself as a changed and stronger individual.
And sometimes, a SELFship is about admitting you need someone else’s shoulder to cry on. To know that you’re not alone, that you have support, that there are many many people who care about your well being deeply. It’s about knowing that ask isn’t a burden, it’s what you deserve.
What does your relationship with yourself look like these days? Chat with me in the comments or connect with me on Instagram.
Liana Pavane is the founder of TTYL— a tech free community dedicated to human connection. Liana founded TTYL in 2018 to help people have a healthier relationship with technology and social media. Since launching, she has been featured on Forbes, Thrillist, TimeOut, Thrive Global and more for her work in digital wellness. As a professional community builder, Liana believes in the power of unplugging and living in the present moment.